He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
