so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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