My Higher Power is John Stamos
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
