I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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