then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize