I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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