I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
