god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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