I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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