It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
