I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
