Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
