omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize