Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
