I love black thongs
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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