I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
