Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
