3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
