you would pick up someone in the library
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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