i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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