yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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