is your mom at the bar?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
