Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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