my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
