Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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