Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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