apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize