She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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