Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
