So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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