I met the friendliest cop last night
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
