I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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