can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
