she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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