he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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