Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize