Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
