i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
smell my finger.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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