she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Randomize
