I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
