I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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