Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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