K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
