Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize