in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
These tits shall not be calmed
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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