she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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