no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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