It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
