he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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