My first STD was from a foam party
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
time to smoke my breakfast
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize