I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
