Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
