I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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