I wish they made helmets for livers.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize