Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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