I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
