So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
